Recently I've read manga "Masturbation Master Kurosawa". It was the best thing I've ever read. I don't know how to recommend it to other people, because it has lots of unpleasant images, almost porn. But it has really deep sense. I started reading it just because I was bored. It was strange at first, but then I found out that the subject of this manga is much more complex and deep. And I'm really glad I've decided to read it.
Anyway, I saw some people compared this manga to another one: "Aku no Hana" or "Flowers of Evil". And I gave it a try.
It was weird and strange in the beginning but now I just can't stop reading it. Right now I've almost finished the 3rd volume. And I can see myself in the idea of this manga. I'm not sure that I see what the author wanted to show. But I can see myself. And it bugs me.
Nakamura (one of the main heroes) seemed to be so mindfucked in the beginning. But now I understand what she means. I had something similar for some period in my life. When I wanted to understand what is a real me and what is just a mask. Which part of me is just a person I pretend to be. There're some things that we don't even no about ourselves - that is how much we want to pretend to be the person we're not. So much, that we even erase from our mind any trace of being "bad" (what is considered to be bad in the society).
I mean what if every person has he's own desires or needs, not really acceptable. What if it's just a human nature? But we're trying to get rid of them, because it's not acceptable in our society. And then some people, that are considered not to be good enough, are just trying to be more honest with the world and themselves. And the people, that are considered to be good, are just hypocrites (not in a bad meaning, because we all do it subconsciously). And it's so complex. When you start thinking this way you either accept it and then your attitude to other people changes (and we have connections with other people, that we're used to so much) and your vision of the world changes and then basically your usual world just fucks up, or you just give up, because it's too much for one person to turn everything upside down at once.
And this was my problem. As long as all this thinking was related only to my personality - it was fine. But once I got to the point when you inevitably think of other people in such a context - I couldn't proceed anymore. I would just become Nakamura then, I guess. That's why I stopped.
I remember there was a period in my life when I wanted to be "clean". I wanted to have only good thoughts in my head, only pure feelings and sincere doings. I managed to become like that. But in a half a year I felt like I'm choking. Like I'm lying to myself. Like I'm suppressing my real personality. So I stopped. Although I felt so good at that moment, I felt being pure. And now I'm not. It's so sad.
Probably I just have another meaning for "being pure", but I think nobody can be pure. We're humans. We have desires, it's in our nature. We have conscious, that makes us better than just animals - that's true. But we also have basic instincts like aggressiveness or desire for sex. We can suppress them for sometime, but we do have these needs. That's why we can't be pure. Probably some monks can. But I don't feel like "being" monk, anyway.
The thing is that we control our level of "goodness" by ourselves, consciously or subconsciously, but it's not honest. And what is honest then? Is it honest to accept your self as a maniac and go and rape every girl? I can understand why those "really bad" people don't feel bad about themselves, because the decided to be honest with themselves and they have some kind of perverted balance in their inner world.
So if we want to live in society, we have to suppress our desires. But to what extent? We can't be absolutely honest with ourselves (because we have to control ourselves not to cross the borders of other individuals) and we also can't be absolutely pure (because it's against human nature). So it's all about lying. It's all about figuring out how far should you go with suppressing your human nature and hidden desires to feel comfortable. To find a balance. In your inner world and in the society.
And I probably should just admit that there is a society factor, no matter how much I want to get rid of other peoples influence on me.
Anyway I don't think that mangaka meant all this shit, so I should probably just go and read further (=
